Perfect Dreams
by Kitai
Summary: Heero is troubled by dreams after the war ends *deathfic* -- contains shounen ai
1. Prologue

Nothing.

Everywhere, nothing.

Everything, silent.

Then the voices.

Voices of his victims.

Accusing, threatening, dying.

A self-enforced prison of guilt.

These are the dreams of a 'Perfect Soldier'.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thoughts are shown like this _'thoughts' _Flashbacks are shown like this ***flashback***

__

'The dreams will never stop'

Heero sat up in bed sweating and shaking slightly. He felt like crying or screaming but he couldn't, even after the war finished the perfect soldier remained. He looked down at the sleeping form lying next to him.

__

'So peaceful. I wonder what its like not to fear sleep'

Deciding that sleep was not an option, Heero got out of bed and walked over to the window. Looking once more at the bed and its occupant he sighed.

__

'I'm still amazed that we ended up together with everything that stood in our way'

He smiled as he thought of their first kiss and the events leading to it.

***flashback***

"Oi, Heero! Whatcha doing?" Duo asked as he practically exploded into the room.

"The tango."

Duo stood there bewildered for a moment before grinning. "Did you just make a joke, Heero?"

".. .. .. .. .. .."

"You did, Heero 'perfect soldier' Yuy just made a joke. I can't believe it. So what _are_ you doing?"

Heero nodded slightly at the screen of his laptop. "Mission report."

Duo rolled his eyes "Don't you ever do anything fun?!"

Heero's response was to carry on typing.

"That's so typical of you. Well I'm gonna make you have fun even if it kills me."

And with that Duo rushed out of the room only to return a few minutes later with a very dusty, very battered box. Closing the laptop and receiving a death glare in the process he placed the box on the desk.

"What's that?"

"Only the best game in the entire world." Duo exclaimed. Bending slightly he blew the dust off the box. 

Heero looked at the title of the game and back up at Duo. "Twister?"

"Yep, you must have played it." Seeing Heero shake his head Duo mock-gasped "You mean Heero Yuy hasn't played Twister? And I thought you were perfect. Come on, get up."

Duo laid out the mat and, after explaining the rules, pointed to where Heero should stand and then spun the spinner.

Heero walked over to the mat _'Why am I doing this?'_

He reached for the spinner. _'I don't have time for this'_

He spun the spinner. _'I need to finish that mission report'_

And placed his right foot on a green circle.

Duo looked up at Heero amazed _'Huh? What just happened? I didn't expect him to actually play, not that I'm complaining!'_

~3 hours later~

When Heero reached for the spinner again in what seemed like their hundredth game, Duo had finally worked up enough courage to ask.

"Um, Heero..do you like me?"

"Hn" came the reply.

"No, I um..oh crap! What I mean is uh.." He trailed off as he noticed that the move Heero had made left their faces inches apart. _'Oh well, I guess showing is easier than explaining'_

Duo leaned forward, closing the gap between their faces, and softly brushed his lips against Heero's. Leaning back again, Duo looked at Heero to try and find some clue as to how the other boy felt.

__

'What just happened?! Did Duo just kiss me? And why don't I want him to stop?'

Seeing the confusion on Heero's face, Duo stood up, blushing. "Gomen, Heero. I'll..mmph!"

He was cut off as Heero stopped the flow of words with a kiss. After what seemed like hours they broke apart. Duo looked at Heero, his breath slightly shaky "So, is that a yes?"

"H-hai, I guess it is."

***end flashback***

Heero smiled slightly _'If it wasn't for that stupid game we may not have got together'_

He looked out the window, his thoughts returning to his dreams. They were always different yet always the same. They would revolve around what he had done in the wars, the people he had killed and the innocence he had destroyed. The shame, regret, guilt and hatred that followed were even worse than the dreams themselves.

__

'Are you lost?'

He smiled sadly _'Not for much longer'_

Heero moved from the window over to the desk where his laptop sat, untouched since the end of the war. Picking up a pen, he wrote a note to Duo and placed it on the laptop. With tears forming in his eyes, tears held back for years, Heero reached into a drawer and pulled out a large, sharp knife slightly stained with blood. Walking past the bed to the bathroom he paused bending down to brush Duo's hair out of his face.

"Gomen nasai, koibito." He said placing a kiss on Duo's forehead before continuing his walk to the bathroom. 

After locking the door behind him Heero sank down onto the floor with the knife next to him looking at his already scarred arms. It had been difficult explaining those to Duo but Heero had managed to blame it on the war. Even harder had been hiding the dreams but, thanks to his training, he was able to wake without crying out in case Duo heard.

__

'I didn't want to worry you, Duo. I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you but this is something I just have to do'

With that, Heero picked up the knife and placed the tip of the blade on his wrist. With a surgeon's precision he slowly sliced one arm and then the other from wrist to elbow, welcoming the pain that washed over him. He sat there on the floor of the bathroom watching his blood drain away, feeling dizzier as each moment passed.

__

'Gomen Duo. Ai shiteru'

Noticing the absence of another person in the bed Duo woke up looking around for Heero. "Oi, Hee-chan where are you hiding?"

Noticing the light beneath the bathroom door, Duo got out of bed and walked over to the door. _'I hope he's taking a shower'_

He tried to open the door but noticing it was locked called out instead. "Hey, Heero are you in there?"

No answer.

Knocking on the door loudly Duo tried again. "Heero? Hello anybody in there?"

Still no answer.

Duo figured the door must have got jammed and that one of then had left the light on. _'Although I'm sure it was off when I went to sleep'_

Duo wandered around the apartment to try and find his koi. After searching the apartment and not finding Heero, Duo was starting to panic and talk to himself. "Where is he?! He hasn't left coz all his stuff's here. He has to be in the bathroom…but why wouldn't he answer me?"

Stopping in his tracks, Duo remembered the scars covering Heero's arms.

***flashback***

"Heero, what are these?" Duo asked.

Heero looked down at his arms. "Scars."

'I can see that but how did you get them?'

Heero's eyes became guarded. "Battle."

Looking at his eyes Duo decided not to press it any further, even though he suspected that it was a lie.

***end flashback***

"OH SHIITTTT!!!" Duo screamed as he ran to the bathroom.

"Heero!?"

There was still no answer.

"Shit! Heero open this door now! I know what you're doing!"

When there was still no answer and no movement from behind the door Duo's eyes widened in fear. "No, you couldn't have. You wouldn't do that to me."

With that Duo started pounding on the door desperately. When this did no good he took a few steps back and rammed the door with his shoulder resulting in the hinges creaking. Even though he felt like screaming out in pain from his shoulder, Duo repeatedly rammed into the door with his shoulder, determined to open it. At last he succeeded in opening the door only to be greeted with a sight so terrible it burned itself into his memory. Duo just collapsed onto the floor, his legs unable to support him any longer. 

Heero was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, not moving. Duo managed to crawl over to Heero intent on checking his pulse just in case a miracle had happened when he saw his arms and started sobbing. 

Duo sat on the floor sobbing, holding Heero's head for hours until he felt that he would never be able to cry again. Picking up Heero's lifeless body, Duo walked out of the bathroom numbly. He laid Heero on the bed, gently pulling the cover over him when something caught his eye. Walking over to the desk Duo noticed it was a piece of paper the moonlight had been shining on. He was about to ignore it when he saw that it had his name on it in Heero's handwriting. Duo snatched the note from the desk and unfolded it to read its content.

Duo,

I'm sorry. I don't suppose that means much now though but I am. I never meant to hurt you I just couldn't take it any longer. The pain outside was easier to deal with that the pain inside and the pain inside was killing me.

Ai shiteru.

Heero.

Duo read the note three times over before believing it was real. His hands trembled causing him to drop the note and as it fell to the floor so did he with the knowledge that he would never be all right again because his soul had just died. 

Owari.


End file.
